Ah, drunkenness. Making you do things you would never do in real life. It’s an alternate universe where everything you do makes sense.
On a recent karaoke night, when drunkenness is mandatory, I was waiting in line to tinkle. When it was my turn, a very drunk woman said “Can I come pee with you? There are two toilets in there.”
By two toilets, she meant this:
Though I knew of this unusual urination situation before she proposed a dual pee, against my better judgement I said, “Sure . . . why not?” Pulling my pants down in front of a stranger was sobering. Sure, I’ve had my fair share of drunk squats in parking lots, driveways, porta-potties in driveways, but usually in the cover of night. Peeing in a well lit, very nicely remodeled bathroom made me realize the folly of my decision. I was trying to be forward thinking and sympathetic. She really did have to pee, as most drunk girls do, and there were two toilets in there. Besides, guys pee in front of themselves all the time in urinals, right?
I’ve been known to try to reclaim actions usually reserved for men. Chest bumps, for one. But we do have boobs and we don’t have penises. There have been female urinals and FUDs, or female urination devices, around for almost a hundred years (according to the most reliable source ever, Wikipedia). But you probably haven’t heard of them, right? And no, I don’t think it’s because women are more modest (see above, drunk squats). Our parts are just made differently. That’s why something like this probably would never work:
You have to totally take off your pants so your buttocks are exposed to the world. Who wants to do that?
So, for now I will have to face the fact that men get to easily pee next to strangers and I don’t. Damn you glass ceiling! In the meantime, I find myself thinking of my pee buddy and wondering if she ever thinks of me. Or does she even remember me? Has she peed with other people since? Well pee pal, I hope you have a long future of successful urinations in front of you.